Funny poems with a delightfully warped outlook on love & life

Funny poems, huh? Like that's gonna turn your life around?

Okay, maybe not. Okay, NOT, then. But like some chicken soup, "Couldn't hurt."

You won't find anything by Shakespeare on this page, which for most of us, is a relief. He wasn't a wiz at writing funny poems, and after a couple hundred years, humor tends to get a bit stale. No, our sense of humor here is more on the sophistication level of The Simpsons (but clean!)

If the dating game, or even the life game has you feeling down, Bunky, then take heart in these funny poems on love, life, and happiness.

You'll laugh, you'll cry, you may even snort at some of these clunkers (which may be a clue to that singleness thing). No calories, no fat, no lie.

Enjoy!

Cell phone mama

She was all dressed up
in a pretty kimono,
but her voice kinda sounded
like Sonny Bono.

She was yakking 'bout sushi
and some punk rock band
in a lingo
I couldn't even understand.

I went back to bed
in my flannel pajama
'cause my life's being ruined
by a cell phone mama.

Then I flew to Las Vegas,
thought I'd take in a show.
My nerves were all jangled,
from my head to my toe.

A female chimp came out,
I thought "Now that's what I like!"
and she juggled while she rode
on a one-wheeled bike.

But what she did next
surely ruined the drama.
She pulled out a Nokia--
another cell phone mama!

Then I faxed my Senator--
Barack Obama,
"Can't you pass me a bill
against that cell phone mama?"

They debated six months
about a misplaced comma.
So I'm still being plagued
by that cell phone mama.

Well I took off for India
and the Dalai Lama.
I asked "What can I do
about this cell phone mama?"

He smiled very wisely
which calmed all my fears.
Then he pulled wads of cotton
from both of his ears.

He said, "Please to excuse me.
I've had quite a trauma.
My karma's been wrecked
by that cell phone mama!"

Now I've traveled more miles
than Vasco de Gama,
looking for peace
from that cell phone mama.

From the frozen Antarctic
to sunny Bahama,
you just can't get away
from that cell phone mama!

In my neck of the woods

They all drive pickups as big as a house
'cause that's such a manly thing.
They all love Hank Jr. when played real loud;
that's the only time that they'll sing.

I never see any of them at my church;
they flee from the place it would seem.
'Cause the only gospel that they will believe
is in the pages of Field & Stream.

"What's a single girl to do?" I ask my close friends,
who just shake their poor heads and sigh.
Do I want to get married when all of my choices
are Larry the Cable Guy?

Funny poems continue below >


If you're enjoying these funny poems, you'll also enjoy our FREE monthly ezine, Inspire-O-Gram. It contains a new poem, two down-to-earth articles on thriving in the single life, an inspirational quote, and announcements on our latest freebies. To subscribe, just fill out the easy form below...

Tick, tock

Tick, tock,
biological clock.
Who invented
that term anyway?

Must have been a man
who was too full of bran.
But it's become
an obnoxious cliche.

Tick, tock,
I keep hearing my doc
say "Your hourglass
is running out of sand."

I say, "I got the word,
but if the world hasn't heard,
do you think
I should hire a brass band?"

Tick, tock,
I've got vapor lock.
and anxiety galore.

The little hand's on twelve
and the big hand's on ten.
I could sure use
a couple hours more.

Tick, tock,
poor Doctor Spock,
won't find a
customer here.

Unless I can find
my prince pretty soon,
and kick his slow...self
into gear.

Clueless Nate

A clueless fellow named Nate,
couldn't get a second date.
He thought that he lacked
the power to attract,
but in truth, 'twas the garlic he ate.

Who dat?

Who dat girl witha frownin' face
mopin' and poutin'
all over da place?

Don't she know
no dude will date
a lip he has to navigate?

Long sad mug,
grouchy disposition,
sensa humor
in a state of decomposition.

Get up girl!
What's eatin' you?
You act like you stepped
in doggy doo.

It don't cost you
nuthin' to smile,
'stead a lookin'
like a constipated crocodile.

Hey, dat's better!
I knew you could laugh
even if it sounds
like a yodelin' giraffe.

Girls who smile
all look kinda pretty
and not like the mayor
of Botox City.

Soon all the dudes
all over the place
askin' "Who dat girl
witha happy face?"

Jeepers! I'm eccentric

I put sprinkles on my eggs
and hot tabasco in my tea.
Is it odd to butter pickles?
Well, maybe it's just me.

I heat my undies in the microwave,
keep my doorknobs brightly shined.
Jeepers! I'm eccentric.
I hope that you don't mind.

I'm fussy with my clothing,
wear suspenders with my shorts.
Going barefoot is a no-no.
I'm afraid I might get warts.

I wear a mask to keep out germs
encountered on the streets.
Did you know you can get whooping cough
from public toilet seats?

Being single gives me freedom,
to do anything I please,
even barking like a St. Bernard
every time I have to sneeze.

I think my little habits
Make me ever so refined.
Jeepers! I'm eccentric.
I hope that you don't mind.

"Hey you, adult person!"

He's so hip

He's got this month's iPod
and next month's shoes.
He don't read the paper
cause that's yesterday's news.

He's got Armani suits
and a GQ pout.
He's so stuck on hisself
that it make you wanta shout.

He loves his face
and he loves his bod.
He got time for the health club
but no time for God.

He's as contented
as a hip guy can be.
He's the pastor and flock
in the First Church of Me.

A tisket a tasket
now he's flat in his casket.
His Porsche was a little too slow.
"No time for Jesus," somebody observes.
"All dressed up and no place to go."

Ain't no knights

I seen every Disney movie--
Cinderella to Snow White
and that square-jawed chump I'm waitin' for
ain't showed up again tonight.

No Beamer, Porsche or Jaguar,
not a mangy old white nag,
just pickup trucks and bearded schmucks
with parts that droop and drag.

I have reached the sad conclusion
that life ain't no fairy tale
Ain't no knights in shining armor,
ridin' hot upon my trail.

Ain't no genie with a lantern
grantin' wishes one-two-three,
If there's any rescuing to be done,
it'll have to be by me!

Yessirree Bob!

Gonna talk about politics
with ol' Honest Abe.
Gonna take batting practice
right next to The Babe.

Gonna laugh with Red Skelton
and Milton Berle.
Gonna sing off-key
with Cousin Minnie Pearl.

Gonna dance me a waltz
with Coretta Scott King
while Nat King Cole
and Elvis sing.

Gonna eat what I couldn't,
gonna really go wild.
Gonna fry greasy chicken
with Julia Child.

Gonna meet Dad and Gramp
'cause they left before me;
We'll go fishin' for bass
in the Galilee Sea.

That ain't half of the things
that I'm plannin' to do,
but there's a spot on my dance card
I'm savin' for you.

Tell the folks down here
I don't want 'em to sob.
'Cause I'll be joshin' with Jesus,
Yessirree Bob!

Is rhyme a crime?

She said, "Life doesn't rhyme,
and events don't happen
in a rhythmic sing-song meter."
I replied, "That's true.
Life's a spilled pot of stew,
but poems are so much neater."

"You're impossible," she said,
"with your grammar school head,
and your 'roses are red' brand of art."
As I skipped away on my dimeter feet,
I said, "I feel sorry for folks who're too smart!"

How to get more fun from life...

You discover how to be sure of yourself, sure of your future, and sure of God's love for you. That's potent stuff, friend.

Why cry if you don't have to? In Single & Sure, I show you the mistakes and blunders I made as a single person, so you can avoid them. My pain, your gain!

You'll also learn proven principles to help you defeat loneliness, worry, fear, and indecision. You'll even discover the secret for getting out of debt and staying out.

Enjoy your life more. Become Single & Sure...