Funny quotes remind us to lighten up

These funny quotes may evoke one of God's most precious gifts--laughs. And oy! We singles can use a laugh, eh?

Someone once said that man is the only animal capable of laughing. Obviously that someone never owned a dog.

The best gift I received when I was fighting cancer was a joke book. My Aunt Camilla Svetz, who gave it to me, had a wonderful sense of humor, and that thoughtful gift is one of my best memories of her. She appreciated the healing value of laughter.

Maybe these funny quotes will only make you smile. But I hope you'll find a few that will make you laugh out loud. is not a joke site. You'll find plenty of great, clean joke sites on the Web. But we know the worth of occasionally being able to laugh at yourself and the world.

Enjoy these funny quotes!

Oh, by the way, that hilarious guy in the photo above is the American poet Carl Sandburg.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
Fred Allen

I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor slapped my mother.
Henny Youngman

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.
Carl Sandburg

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.
Jack Benny

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, "Are you comfortable?" The man answers, "I make a nice living."
Milton Berle

Funny quotes: fat-free, guilt-free, and pretty much brain-free.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
Jackie Mason

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Jack Handey

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

More funny quotes...

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance--waiting for the bathroom.
Bob Hope

This greasy spoon restaurant was so bad, on the menu there were even flies in the pictures.
Richard Lewis

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says "You're crazy " I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, ‘Okay, you're ugly too!"
Rodney Dangerfield

Sincerity is everything. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
George Burns

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
Hedy Lamarr

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Johnny Carson

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.
Steve Martin

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Ronnie Corbett

I saw the most beautiful cars in the window of a dealership recently. A salesman came out and said: 'Come on in. They're bigger than ever and they last a lifetime!' Later I learned he was talking about the payments.
Corbett Monica

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.
Rita Rudner

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
Mitch Hedberg

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.
Lily Tomlin

If you liked these funny quotes, you might also enjoy our funny quotes for women...

What's the secret to happiness?

Is real, deep-down happiness a dream we can only grasp at, or is it a skill, that can be learned?

What if happiness is simply a matter of avoiding stupid choices and making wise choices? It's beginning to make sense now, isn't it?

The obvious problem, though, is how to make those wise choices and avoid the stupid ones. The answer?


Now for the best news. You don't have to experience all that pain yourself to learn how to choose wisely. You can rely on my 40 years of experience in the single life.

I discovered the life principles that lead to happiness and the ones that keep you out of trouble, and I wrote them all down in my ebook, Single & Sure.

Maybe I should have titled it The Handbook for Happiness. That's what it really is. But it's also about being sure. Once you learn these simple life principles, you'll be confident in applying them to your own life. You'll be sure of yourself.

Want to learn more? Just click on the Happiness Button above, or on Single & Sure for all the exciting details...

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